How America Is like a Bad Boyfriend

Girl: How did you know she was here?
Murica: I read her e-mails.

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Murica: I need a beer. Do you have any money? I’m really in debt.

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Girl B: He’s always getting into fights.
Girl A: He’s not getting “into” fights. He’s breaking up fights, sometimes by… starting fights…
Girl B: He’s in a fight right now!

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Murica: I’m not paying for your birth control anymore.
Girl: That’s it. I’m done making excuses for you.
Murica: But I need you. I love you!
Girl: That’s what you say every four years.